Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Purg-Odan Weight Loss Plan


I can't fit into a lot of my old clothes anymore. I feel like Humpty-Dumpty trying on a pair of pants tailored for Pinocchio.

Perhaps this restrictive diet I'm on will help. No collops of meat or dollops of ice cream for me. No siree!

I just finished a tasty lunch of apple juice and clear chicken broth and am I full! I couldn't eat another drop.

For the next couple of days, I am restricted to a diet of sodas, juices, broths, Jello, and Popsicles  This is in preparation for a colonoscopy. This isn't my first. In fact it will be the third time I've had the pleasure of this particular experience.

A little later today I will have to add something else to this already diverse diet — Purg-Odan. Doesn't that sound scrumptious?

I had to go to the local drug store to buy this purgative. I checked the shelves and saw an item in the household cleaning products aisle called 2000 Flushes. “Ah," I thought, "That must be similar to what I’m looking for. Some worker must have placed it in the wrong section of the store.”

Evidently I was wrong, but 2000 Flushes would be a great name for these industrial strength laxatives.

I had to ask a pharmacy technician if they had any Purg-Odan. They did, and, of course, it was a behind-the-counter-because-you-must-exercise-caution-using-this-and/or-no-one-wants-to-acknowledge-that-it-exists type of item. I asked for two boxes. She wanted to know if I really just wanted one box, since each box contains two packets. “No,” I said, “I need two boxes with two packets each.” I swear she winced at this. That didn't help my apprehension. But when I saw that the product was advertised as Orange Flavor, I said, “Mmmmm! Sounds yummy. I can hardly wait.”

I thought I should complete this blog entry AND PRONTO because when that Purg-Odan kicks in I’ll be spending most of my time in the Oval Office.

By the way, here are some photos from the Purg-Odan website:

Does it actually make real oranges?

This product must be for men only.


Tonight’s Dinner Menu:

Appetizer — Apple Juice
Main Course — Chicken Broth (the Soup-Du-Jour), Tea (no milk), and more Apple Juice
Dessert — Jello or Fruit-Juice Freezies

At 8PM it will be another dose of Purg-Ocrap followed by a “snack” of water or Gatorade.

And tomorrow morning, while still asleep in bed, I’ll be dreaming that I’m Fred Flintstone eating a big 'ol Brontosaurus Burger, only to wake up and face another day of fluid fare.

*sigh*


7 comments:

  1. I'm surprised your diet was restricted before taking this. Well, you'll be nice and clean, anyway! ;)

    Colonoscopies don't make for good dinner conversation, but they are a necessary evil. My entire family has gone through it. I think most people, at some point, will be advised to have one.

    The good thing is that now it's losing its taboo-y-ness. Good luck! It'll be over before you know it. :)

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    1. Thanks Janyce. Yes, it is a necessary evil. The most evil part being the prep. Had Jello for breakfast this morning. Jello is like a living organism — moving around and trying to leap off your spoon. And when you get it in your mouth it feels like it’s trying to escape. Hated it as a kid, and still do.

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  2. You are absolutely right... "2000 Flushes" would be the PERFECT name for that nasty stuff. I've had five colonoscopies so far, and I don't like them any more now than I did the first time. But I've never had to prep for as many days as what you're having to do. One day without food and drinking that vile jug of stuff is more than enough. Good luck with it. Pretty soon, it'll all be... behind you. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

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    1. Thanks Susan. Yes, it will be behind me soon. And I'm comforted knowing that the procedure will be performed by a crack physician.

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  3. I very recently read a post at Bryan Jones diary and he was also on about seeing a doctor for some uhhh.....back door issues! You should pop over and have a read. You might be thankful it is "just" a colonoscopy you have to endure! Very funny I should read two posts so close together on the same (but slightly different) topics! Very strange - no buts about it! hahaha!
    Enjoyed your post. So funny!

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    1. Thank you kindly.
      I must not be over the ordeal entirely, at least mentally, because when I read your comment I thought you said I should "poop" over to Mr. Jones' blog and have a read.
      I'm glad it will be another 5 years before I have to go through this again.

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